My head is filled to the brim rent-free with reality deltas I perceive across different folks. It's pretty fucking gay. An ex of mine contacted me out of the blue disappointed that after 4 or 5 months since having spoken that I hadn't realized that they "weren't the bad guy in all of this." My close friend had her shit broken into and doesn't know who to trust anymore, because it very well could have been a fellow tran that did it. I've been told by close friends I love dearly not to interact with certain people because those friends were almost raped by them. I've even been accused of doing terrible awful things myself by people who'd walk back on it and be friendly with me months later. It's frankly frustrating, and obstructively so.

Manipulation.

There's a million and one words you could get spat out by the field of psychology to help explain this delta, but I despise the field as a whole and trying to read into humans to try and predict them is prone to misuse and exploitation, and I know too many people who use that shit to twist narratives and get friends to side with one person over the other. Under layers of obfuscation and prae-parared terminology, between webs of stretched half-truths and tactical appeals to "consent" and fairness - Extract from it all the "intent" and malicious acting, and just throw that shit away. People can do these things maliciously, but I'm sure that most people are hardly aware they're actually manipulating. Different value systems and frameworks of reality provide so many nooks and crannies for people with shitty behavior to crawl into, and it's just normal to them.

Psychology lends itself very well to manipulative behavior, through a false appeal to a hard science that proves for sure that some behavior is a pattern, that people have mental illnesses that make them less valuable than another, that can overtly shield folx from criticism for fear of reviving trauma.

All this to say, it's damn near fucking impossible to trust people. I remember when the world was small, and I trusted everyone at their word, and took their word as fact. But holy fucking shit, So many people refuse to talk clearly, to own up to realities, to show love for everyone. I get depressed thinking about it. I wish queers at least were better than this, but I end up feeling the opposite with so many queer folx with debilitating behaviors fueled from poor machinations of reality. My gut tells me queers are either staunchly naiive, or staunchly clear and considerate, or staunchly manipulative. This probably has correlations to those types of trannies I taked about during the first "Bad" people thing I wrote.

Hence, the reality delta q.q

Bad People.

Now that our sense of truth in events among humans is utterly cum-fuzzled, that "Bad" people thing kinda gets fucked for it too. It's hard to tell what actually happened, hard to squeeze out tendencies or inidual behaviors out of someone to reason about why a specific opportunity lent itself to that person doing a terrible act. What'screated is this confusion slop (probably tastes like Huel) that's hard to escape.

I don't really know how to deal with all that noise, and I'm frustrated about it. I think I just end up focusing instead of trying to help those close to me, loaded with paranoia and Foucaultian power dynamics, with efforts to minimize where I can and help people out regardless of the reality I view them in.

I've given $16k to people who utterly wrecked havoc on my life because they were moving out of my apartment and I didn't want them to go homeless as much as they admitted to fucking with me emotionally and intentionally making strides to split me apart from people who were incredibly dear to me.

I gave $3k to a person I only actually learned about that day because they needed money for an electric wheelchair, and I know how that is.

I recently met some completely random people on Taimi who were apparently trying to escape from a really shitty home situation and now they're crashing in my apartment for the next couple months while they get footing.

I help pay most the rent for someone who used to be homeless, and who I hardly ever see. They say they're saving up for college.

When I leave this apartment for a new job I'm going to still be covering it because my wife and other queers can hardly hold jobs and can't cover rent on their own.

I put thousands of dollars into queer folx's gofundmes, of whom I've been told have done shitty manipulative stuff, and who I should not interact with.

But am I a good person? Fucking shrug. I focus more on whether people do good or bad actions, and have some universal value system that places strangers to the same degree of importance as close friends. Is it the truest sexiest moral system? Fucking shrug. I don't care, dilate about it. I think what's important though is just that I try to love all humans as much as I can, and I end up reducing my love only to queers but it's something I can handle at least.

I end this long post as unsatisfied and confused as I was when I started.