(I'm grouping same-thoughts / related thoughts together. They will be labelled. I like this structuring, but sometimes it may be lacking, so I'll very intentionally not label thoughts too.)

I lie here with suffering bones, suffering blood-vessels and flesh that screams as it disfunctions. I bleed and let, I ache::throb in pain, my body demands no organs and my work demands more work. The body continues to break down, and is along for the ride to compost, someday, sometime.

I lie here with fuzz, with blankness, with a keyboard that hums at (guess-record: 15khz. Looking at a frequency generator page, it's definitely over 14hz, and less than 16khz. I'd consider that pretty close). I watched YouTube, and know it's a mind-trap.

A::[I don't feel like I'm doing enough.]

B::[My father works 6 days a week on autobody work. I'd hardly see him; Most grades I'd take the bus to/from school around 7 (He's already gone to work, though every once in a while I'd get a drive to school), and then I was back home to interface with a videogame console for most of my life before my father would come back around 10 or 11PM. He's been working this trade since he was young.]

B::[My mother works every day on and off as a seamstress. "Seamstress" is a rather fuzzy and light way of putting it though; Every person she had done work for would pay her per-piece, and it was always less than minimum wage. I don't know what age she had started sewing, but I remember her telling me she had sewn from a very young age. She makes clothes for pets, and various jobs on curtains, local sportsball uniforms, really whatever she's given.]

B::[My mother also handled homecooked lunches and meals for all of us, most every day. When I was in the hospital as a child for many critical reasons (I always am), for months at a time, she had to cover that, and she did.]

B::[I don't feel like I'm doing enough.]i

B=>[Glorious, the Oedipal triangle.]

C::[Discipline]

C::[Every day I wake up to my alarm set at 7AM. I don't lay in bed, because beds are psychological prisons that must be overcome with swiftness and diligence. I'm thinking of getting a military cot.] C::[When my body doesn't fail me, I work at home. I can't commute, that's illogistical and banned. During my break, either a roommate has made a meal for the house or I go to the kitchen to scratch something for myself, and potentially the group. I don't like this thought structure at this moment, because I'm finding a lot of places where I'd like to speak differently, and this draft has in effect failed to make my point.]

C::[I think a lot about habit, and furthermore, discipline. Imagine for a moment I say "I need to do a lot", and instead cross that phrase out from your vocabulary. I'm going to talk about the queer house, as well as other factors that in gestalt affect the actions I undergo.]

C::[The queer house is an organ. There are many partials to it, of flesh and of machine. Its persistence is necessarily the "functioning of the organ". The landlord is part of the organ, fixated on the capital flows, stressing the organs with demands and displacements. I have standards for this organ function. The harms of the standards' lackings are primed.]

C->D::[People must sleep well. Sleep is good, uninterrupted sleep is best. Sleep keeps you from instability. Please vocalize desire to sleep, please let them rest.]

C->D`::[Bad sleep messes function. People get crankier, people disfunction, people displace themselves, and the group conscious disfunctions for it. Bad sleep is interrupted sleep, bad sleep is too much sleep, bad sleep is REM-less sleep. Your flesh demands better.]

C->E::[People wake up, they get hungry. Food must be produced. No microwave shit, no snacks, no excuses for "food" that are in reality just health-doom-elongators that trap you into low-barrier feeding patterns. The stove must turn on, the eggs must be fried, a stable and staple source of good nutrition that fills the stomach makes for healthy organs. Experimental cooking, the stimulation in finding a new meal that fucks. The glory, the hurrah!, in eating something without an exact outcome that had been composed through the staples at hand, the brains at work, the group conscious's preferences and diverse historical cuisines that allow for realms of new flows, new desires, new couplings, It's fucking BEAUTIFUL.]

C->E`::[Shit food flows worse behaviors. People get crankier, people get miserabler, and the group conscious disfunctions for it. Demotivated, little personal expression when microwaving a meal. Little interest in experimentation (no, the dozens of consumerist dialects you get of any particular food does not count, there are no good desiring machines at play.)]

C->F::[Cleanliness. The social space varies depending on standards but the capitalist landlord does not, and the landlord stresses the organ, invades the minds of the group conscious, for they are part of it. We have low-barrier cleaning patterns, and I'm okay with it. We have a cleaning robot that vacuums and mops, and a litter robot.]

C->F`::[Too much cleaning for whatever reason builds neuroticism, builds compulsion. May be the pattern matching going on, but it's interesting to consider a barriered cooking compulsion to that of a barriered cleaning compulsion]

C->G::[Capital. The social space must keep up with the forces of capital lest face physical expropriation (eviction). The house-organs' flesh agents with will-power must devote their time to the capital cycle, to keep up rent.]

C->G`::[A powerful barrier. Depending on the work - physical, psychological, personal, even capital limitations are reached. This barrier is demanding and it's draining on the flesh agents, and if its demands are ignored it WILL boil over in eviction, in breakdowns, in burnout, in lethargy. Capital is an enemy, and I don't personify concepts to make them enemies lightly. The cell without its walls to protect against the forces of reality leave its organs dispersed, though still within the cytoplasmic pus to find new walls (desperately, with little probability)]

C[A:G,A`:G`]=>Z::[Desire. Barriers. Stimulation. Persistence. These words are very important to me. Our desire often flows to the direction of least resistance, though once there is little resistance there is no longer desiring, just flow-state. Barriers are this resistance, and it's the BwO that only wants for us all to no longer produce productions, to no longer overcome, to be the catatonic lying in the hot tub. You will persist, but only the persistence you believe in, and at what cost?]

Z::[Suffering::Barriers::Interfaces are critical in power-flow. To flow power, you MUST be resilient to the catatonic, and you MUST embrace the barriers, the shitty interfaces to your desire, the process of suffering, of breaking down, inherent to the desiring machine. To do this is to persist with power-flow, with embrace of change, with the kind of power that pushes you to keep your deeply loved ones empowered themselves, as my parents had done for me - To keep the group conscious empowered.]

Z`::[This is NOT to be interpreted as a fatalistic succumb to the suffering you experience, but a cherishing of the sufferings that brings you stimulation::life-meaning, and a degree of Discipline that leaves you empowered enough to change that which serves to otherize and crush you.]

Y::[I was watching LilMaijin once and someone had told him after he had lost some match something along the lines of - to not fret; he's already so good, he can take some breaks, he's "earned" it. And to that he responded with words that were filled with compulsion, NOT with dissatisfaction for his performance either, but instead with emphasis on iteration. He must drive himself to improve, not for some idealized end-state, but solely to be better. I hate that I can't clip the source, as I don't remember, but it gave me a peek into a competitive player's mindset, the mindset of someone who, seen as a black box, can output high performance.]

amy::[I don't feel like I'm doing enough, and I think these thoughts always come after I've engaged in resolving a barrier I felt was low, engaged in an action I see as having pacified me in some way, closer to a catatonic flow. I'm only content when I suffer through reality, and when I genuinely feel like I've done something beautiful in that suffering. There's a contrast here though, in physical limits and burnout, that makes for the ultimate grinder a timebomb. Something to read about, I think Byung-Chul Han talks about burnout.]